Press Row

What Are Abbott Lines?

So, in tribute to the Entire Internet’s Dedication to Cruelty, I give you the Chicago Tribune’s Fred Mitchell (above), who is here to compare the Cubs’ recent deal for Rich Harden to…the trade of Lou Brock for Ernie Broglio. Because this guy is also speedy, just like Lou Brock. Same/same, seen? Actually, it’s not even clear if Mitchell is doing that: the headline — “Harden Trade Recalls Brock, Broglio Fiasco” — certainly does make the comparison. But by the third paragraph, Mitchell is disavowing that. Kind of. Because honestly there’s no way that it recalls that trade, unless you’re on deadline and want to get out of the office or whatever. Fred? Fred’s Editor? What the fuck, guys? …

And then the Brock trade is recapped at great length, and then it’s pretty much over. It’s not a big deal — the piece is short, and ends with a bunch of Larry King style “item!” deals about Kosuke Fukudome hanging out at Harry Caray’s restaurant and Otis Wilson signing autographs at a mall and suchlike. Mitchell, of whom this is the first I’ve ever heard, is hardly as egregious a creature of controversy creation as your Mariotti’s or whatever. But at the risk of doing more soothsaying than is necessary on a Saturday afternoon — this sort of thing just isn’t going to help a newspaper in any way, shape or form. I don’t want to put too much on a tossed-off column, but this is print writing that is actually worse and less-informative than a middling blog post. ~ David Roth, Can’t Stop The Bleeding, Tribune’s Fred Mitchell vs. His Editor: Cubs’ Harden Deal Is Like/Not-Like Brock for Broglio, 7/12

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When NBC Sports asked if I’d blog portions of this year’s American Century Championship celebrity golf tournament, of course I said yes. At what other event would I get a chance to interview FOUR participants of Dancing With the Stars? But gradually more details emerged, and I was not amused. The shocking truth: They wanted me to take my laptop out on the course and live blog Charles Barkley’s rounds in the event. And I was just foolish enough not to back out.

As you read this, I’m out near the sixth tee, typing furiously, having just mended the wing of some poor goose. Many wild fowl will perish this weekend I’m afraid, some as a result of Barkley’s errant drives, others from trampling each other trying to flee. Hell, Barkley may try to catch one for a snack. His heart is as big as the sprawling Edgewood Golf Course on which this tournament is played, and his basketball talents were of course immense. But as a golfer he’s, um, not good. An annual fixture here, Barkley is never far from last place. Said Kevin Nealon in 2006 after a round with Sir Charles: “I think he’s right in contention to win this thing not a chance in hell.”

I spotted Barkley working feverishly on his swing at the practice tees on Thursday (pitctured), and decided to introduce myself. I’d never met him before, and didn’t know what to expect. But he extended a hand and smiled. He said he was glad to meet me.

ME: “NBC has sent me to live blog your rounds this weekend, and I just wanted to let you know in advance.”

BARKLEY: “Live blog? What’s that?”

ME: “I’ll be out with my laptop on the course, following you around and writing about what I see.”

BARKLEY: (Looks genuinely befuddled).

ME: “Then it will appear on the site right away.”

BARKLEY: “Sounds good. Thanks for taking the time.”

Then he continued scrolling messages on his phone, which he had been doing when I walked up.

I have no idea how this is going to turn out, but the results can be found here. ~ Rick Chandler, Deadspin, Charles Barkley Reluctantly Puts Me In His Fave Five, 7/11

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I mean how does one make a joke about the team with the worst record in baseball, the worst TV ratings in baseball that resides in the worst part of DC (historically) not being able to pay their rent. ~ JV Sports, The Nationals Cannot Pay Their Rent, 7/11

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Oh hello. I’m Jesus of Nazareth. Son of God. Bringer of Light. Emissary of His will on Earth. And I’d like just to say that Brett Favre deserves to eat shit and burn in Hell.

Oh, you want to unretire now, shitdick? Well, I say TOUGH TITTY. Two thousand years ago, I was forced to choose between being a mortal man and being the son of God. And I had to make that choice while I was nailed to a fucking cross with crows snacking on my eyelids. Did I hem and haw like a little bitch? FUCK AND NO. I bit the bullet and went for Door number 2. Am I happy with my choice? Good God, no. I chose being the son of God because being a mortal man in 33 A.Me sucked. Everyone smelled. The food was awful. I slept on HAY, for shit’s sake.

But do you see me getting all whiny about the path I chose? No. Know why? CAUSE I’M A FUCKIN MAN.

So you wanna play for the Vikings now, asshole? Well, Daddy already picked a Chosen One on their squad. So get bent. If you do manage to go turn that team into a goddamn soap opera, I got a radical new throw for you. It’s called a pitch-out. Give the ball to that fucker in the backfield who can run through an ice floe.

Otherwise, you can suck my holy balls. ~ Big Daddy Drew, Kissing Suzy Kolber, Jesus Of Nazareth Would Like Brett Favre To Go To Hell, 7/12

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NBC executives must have missed the memo: The Big Show era is dead. ESPN killed it. Every Tom, Dick and Stu Scott wannabe beat the other side of the pillow, cold and Pooh season and en fuego to death.

It ain’t coming back. …

Nope, Football Night has just one star — Cris Collinsworth. He loves the game. He immerses himself in the game. He’s willing to be outspoken about the game. He’s just not on camera enough because the show has to make room for all the guys moonlighting as football experts. Collinsworth has no one to talk to on his level. I’d bet he’s the only person on the show who actually watches game film. ~ Jason Whitlock, FOX Sports, NBC’s cast of thousands is a bad act, 7/10

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Remember, the Texans don’t get bonus points for appearances on magazine covers or buzz generated in other outposts. Why should the season-ticket holder or the faithful fan who considers a Texans game must-see television fret over any lack of respect for the Texans? The more under the radar the Texans travel, the better their chances of ambushing some of the heavy hitters on the early-season schedule.

The harsh, slap-in-the-face reality is that a franchise with a 32-64 record hasn’t earned much respect. The Texans can change that if they can withstand the gantlet of Pittsburgh (10-6 last season), Tennessee (10-6) and Jacksonville (11-5) on the road and Indianapolis (13-3) at home in the first five weeks.

This is no time, then, for Texans loyalists to get mad or get even. This a time that is ripe for them to get ahead. ~ Steve Campbell, Houston Chronicle, Texans still flying under NFL radar, 7/11

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Got any good lines from your favorite writer or blog—or maybe your own? Send them over.

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